When Should I Say ‘I Love You’

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Sir,

I am a mid-20s, gay male from [East Asia]. I have not come out. I've found the love of my life and he is in his mid-60s. I am from a better caste than he is, but neither of us sees that as a problem. I feel he considers me his son. I've met his household they usually accept me. We converse to one another about very personal issues, however we've got by no means spoken about our love for one another or my being gay. I feel he is aware of that I really like him. I need to tell him that I really like him, but I am afraid to for worry of dropping this relationship. What do you assume I should do?

All the things you’ve written factors to the fact that you're keen on this man and that he loves you. Though the words haven’t been spoken, your conduct toward each other suggests this is true. It now appears that you're at a turning level where you want to take your relationship with him to another degree. Is it time to say “I really like you”?

As I have previously written, the English phrase for love has many various meanings relying upon who is the target of that love. Should you tell this man that you simply love him, and he responds with “I really like you too,” will your words mean the same factor? Or will a discrepancy or totally different expectation emerge? This example has no ensures.

I agree with Brené Brown, who in her TED Talk on vulnerability stated that connection with different individuals is what provides our lives objective and which means. She went on to say, “To ensure that connection to happen, we've to allow ourselves to be seen, actually seen.” In other phrases, to connect with somebody intimately, we should make ourselves weak, however the very definition of vulnerability means we run the danger of being emotionally damaged. Brown stated that because we will’t numb our emotions selectively, we will’t numb vulnerability with out additionally deadening joy and happiness too.

What are the dangers? Your largest worry seems to be that he'll end the connection, and this is one risk. Perhaps you also worry that if he reciprocates by telling you he loves you, the two of you'd then have to ask, Where can we go from here? Probably the most painful response is perhaps for him just to say “Thanks,” seemingly detached to the risks you’ve simply taken.

The most important question for you to ponder is this: What are my intentions? By trying to take this relationship to a special degree, what is it you need to happen? Sex? Exclusivity? A future together? Is being handled as his son not sufficient for you? Is it sufficient for him? Expressing your love for him might expose a discrepancy in your feelings for each other.

Several elements might influence his response to you. First, he's married, and he might not want to danger disrupting his socially acceptable, more traditional relationship. His household additionally appears to simply accept you in that position. Will they still settle for you if the connection evolves into something else? Having you in his life as a “son” could also be safer and more acceptable to him than having you as a lover.

The age difference between you two may be one other of his considerations. As I’ve written before, many older males are incredulous that a youthful man might love them. An intergenerational couple might not see their age distinction as a problem, but family and associates may be suspicious that malevolent motives are involved. Since you're more financially secure than he is, they could really feel like he's taking advantage of you.

Cultural elements may additionally affect his response. Although most societies have a hierarchy of social class, the caste system in East Asia may be somewhat extra rigid than elsewhere. You already know your tradition better than I. How would these variations be perceived in a heterosexual relationship? Which may offer you a clue as to what you may anticipate. A associated concern is worthiness. Is there a risk that his being in a decrease caste may cause him to really feel unworthy of being liked by someone in a better social class?

I like to recommend that you simply first come out to him as homosexual so you'll be able to discover his emotions about homosexuality. It will permit him to know you as you actually are and expose any prejudices or stereotypes he may need about LGBTQ individuals. My guess is that he won't be stunned that you simply’re homosexual, but at the least you've gotten opened this matter for a more trustworthy discussion. After you have opened up this topic, the considerations about age, tradition, and social class will possible movement into the discussion. On this method, you possibly can keep away from making the difficulty a completely private one. Will he still need you for a son if he is aware of the more genuine you? Is being a son sufficient for you?

After you’ve had this dialogue, will probably be simpler to tell him that you simply love him, talk about whether or not you may need a future collectively, and discover out what that future may seem like.

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This submit was previously published on Lorenaolson.com and is republished right here with permission from the writer.

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